Mens Jeans: An Easy Style Guide

I know, I know - jeans are jeans, you just grab your size off the shelf and pay. Erm, no. That’s what you do when you’re single and intend to stay that way. Sound extreme? Baby, let me tell you – I don’t care if you look like George Clooney, if you ask me out whilst sporting the Urkel look, you’re going hear about it. I could start by explaining all the different styles, but I know you won’t pay attention to that, so why bother? Instead, I’ll begin with what you don’t want, in the simplest terms possible. Note: the guy on the right is wearing what I consider to be a very nearly perfect example of style, fit, and color.

1. You DON'T want a pair of jeans that taper. This means you don’t want a pair of jeans that get narrow as they go down your leg, ending with a tight ring around your ankle. I don’t know what kind of designer thinks this looks good – but it don’t.

2. You DON'T want anything that's been acid washed, or makes one start reminiscing about Guns’N’Roses videos. Acid washed jeans are like leisure suits – they will never come back into style. Don’t let me catch you in these, cos it will be the first thing I mention!

3. You DON'T want anything with ripped out knees, holes or long threads hanging out anywhere. Yes, this was cool in the 90’s. I had some jeans like this myself. They aren’t cool anymore, so just detox yourself and hide those suckers in the back of your closet.

4. You DON'T want any designer pockets on your derriere. Not if you want to pick a woman up. I can’t imagine any female finding that attractive – but even if she does, she’s not going to want your designer pockets to outshine hers, so just put those fly pockets down and step away, son.

5. You DO want a pair of jeans that fit your hips. And I do mean fit. We don’t want anything tight. We don’t even want to suggest tight, ok? You walk by me in tight jeans and I will suggest you wash them in cold water next time. You should be able to slip a couple of fingers between your body and the waist, but you don’t want them so loose you can potty without unzipping them!

6. You DO want natural jeans colors. Dark blue, medium blue, light blue. Stay away from white, black, tan – or anything you might expect to find in Rainbow Bright’s wardrobe. Let me catch you in a pair of red jeans...!

7. You DO want jeans that at least reach the top part of your shoe sole (heel, if you're wearing boots) A man whose jeans hem barely touches his shoelaces looks challenged – in a multitude of ways. Don’t ask a girl out if you look like you’re expecting a flood.

8. You DO want stonewashed jeans. Note: Don’t confuse this with acid washed! Stonewashed provides a naturally worn look. You don’t want that dark, coarse material you sometimes see in Lee and Levi’s. You want the classic look.

If you’re in doubt, go to the Gap and ask one of their salesgirls to help you. DON’T ask one of the guys. You want a woman’s opinion – she’s the one who needs to think they look good on you! Err, unless you’re into men. In which case, ask the salesguy! Either way, tell them you are looking for a Classic fit, classic color, classic everything. You can even mention James Dean, they will get you! Jeans go with everything, and if you buy the right style, they will always be in fashion and always look good on you. You don’t need anything expensive, just something durable and well-made. As in my example from above, I recommend The Gap. Now, go get sexy!